Today has had one big theme come up over and over again...The Only Person You Can Change is Yourself!
Also, The Only Person that Can Make You Happy is You!
I've been struggling with this realization for years now, ever since my marriage ended and I had finally "learned" that lesson for myself. I put that nifty "learned" in quotes because it seems to be a lesson that continually needs re-learning, and today it was in the form of discussions with friends over their relationships and my own. It's easy to console a friend, or listen to a family member about their
relationships because we have that healthy detachment. We love them
with all of our hearts but know they've got to make their own
decisions, learn their own lessons, and live their own lives, and we
will be there to love and support them if they need us...THAT however, is very difficult when it comes to our partners
because inevitably, their lives are intertwined with our own. Their
decisions affect OUR happiness. Their shortcomings frustrate US. Their
lack of self understanding or inability to make "good" decisions for
themselves, in turn, force US to deal with the emotions that these
things create. Romantic relationships are so intense and sometimes overflowing with emotion that it's hard to keep a healthy distance to realize that we can't, and shouldn't want to, change our partners. We go and fall head over heals in love with them and then at some point the responsibility of our happiness gets transferred to them, instead of it's rightful owner, ourselves! Our significant others deserve the unconditional love, compassion, and understanding that we give to our other family and friends.
Going into my current relationship, I
told myself that I would only stay if I was happy, I would communicate
as truthfully as possible, and if there came a point where my happiness
was gone, then I would take care of my own happiness first and
foremost and/or leave. I think I'm doing an alright job at this so far... The problem that usually sneaks up on me is that when there's an issue, I have a tendency to think I can fix this! I'll just help him do what he should do, or do it for him, and then everything in the relationship will be great and he and I will be happy again! I've done this many times before and it's never worked, so I have to remind myself that the benefit to him comes from his own growth and self-understanding. I'm truly trying to be supportive and NOT trying to over-help or change him. This is proving more difficult then it sounds, but I'm determined, as are the many great friends that I've talked to today!
Something that I find helpful to bring self-awareness is to ask myself a couple questions:
Am I trying to get him to change something?
Why do I want to fix (change) this? Is it for him or is it for me?(and this is a tricky one...cause we can justify really well) If it's for me (and most often, when I really reflect, it is), then I force myself, however difficult, to step back and allow him to figure things out on his own.
I'm still a work in progress but it's definitely getting easier....and I have to say that once you give your partner back the responsibility of taking care of themselves, it feels a lot lighter on the shoulders, AND they actually willingly take that responsibility back and make their own better decisions. As long as we're honest with ourselves, we will more easily be able to remind ourselves that "the only person you can change is you"!!
That's my thoughts! Thanks for reading!
Love to You All,
Jess
Your post is so impactful and true. It's really hard to keep that other person from becoming your 'higher power'. Nova gave me the book 'Facing Love Addiction' and it teaches you to not make your significant other a higher power. However, if you are an atheist, it's trickier, and, it seems, ultimately, even MORE difficult than for someone who is dogmatic. We have a tendency to make that other person into something more than they are, even when they seem to invite this at first. We all know that it's unhealthy. But, we still do it. This is when meditation becomes vital. And, for me, the understanding that anything, including a God, is possible, even though I don't always accept or understand it.
ReplyDeleteHi Jimmy! Nova has mentioned that book to me and I know she finds it helpful. I find a good way to look at it from a different perspective is this: We are all human beings, experiencing human emotion while here on earth, regardless of where you believe our souls go after death. While you're here, you have to determine whether your peace, joy and happiness are coming from you, internally, or from something or someone else, externally. If you find yourself thinking that acquiring anything, emotional, physical or spiritual from outside of you will make you happy, that's your cue to look in your heart and re-evaluate what makes you happy. :-)
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