I HAVE to do it!

  Another HUGE  issue, that comes up for me again and again, is the whole idea that I HAVE to do something. This can be applied in all areas of life and is not discriminatory... There were so many parts of my life that I just suffered through because, for whatever reason, I told myself that I had to do it.
I had to go to college, I had to get a good paying, respectable job, I had to pursue a successful career, I had to be an independent woman, I had to get married and have a family, I had to get a house before I had kids, I had to one day be self-employed to be happy, I had to be in shape at all times, I think I could go on...and on...and on...but I will not bore you will all of the ways that I Defined myself.  Whether it be expectations I learned from parents, teachers, friends, the communities I was living in at the time, I learned them and it became something that I had to prove to myself.  A very large portion of those things I did, but not to my standards.  Some were attempted but failed.  Some I was amazingly successful at, and I even felt good at the time...until I needed more and more. Once you create that picture, definition, and all those expectations of yourself, you will never be happy until you have them all.  And I found that once I crossed something off the list, a new requirement would promptly be added.  I never once stopped to think why it was not acceptable to just be happy with myself at that very moment. Always the "I'll be happy when...." statements that I found coming out of my mouth.  I said so many times, "if I want 'x' then I Have to do 'y'". Problem was I never stopped to ask myself If and Why I wanted 'x' in the first place?!! 
   After I found myself constantly disappointed and frustrated with life and myself, I started to actually reflect on those questions... Do I really, truly, from the bottom of my heart and spirit want those things? Most of the time I was completely torn...my Spirit would scream No and my ego would very consistently talk me back to yes..It took a lot of time facing my fears and my insecurities to accept myself for who I really wanted to be.  Did I want to be super successful corporate business woman? Nope...Did I want to help people get healthy and improve their lives and happiness as a Yoga teacher? More then I could even explain, but I was so scared of people's judgements (or more truthfully, my own judgement).  It took all I had to quit my job and go to teacher training, but I have had absolutely no regrets and think it was by far the most thoughtful and positive decision I've ever made. Every day that I get up on that podium, I thank my lucky stars that I get to teach people yoga! That was a first of many decisions that I've made for my Spirit instead of my Ego, and I wish that for everyone in this world...it's given me glimpses of what it feels like to be at peace.  My goal is to learn to truly expect nothing of myself but to live in peace, joy, and happiness, and just Be me. Everyday I feel like I get a little closer :-)

Namaste
Jess